The Magic Lampoon is a Magic: the Gathering humor site. All original content herein is copyright © 2006, all rights reserved. No portion of this web site may be used in any way
without express written consent. Magic: The Gathering® is a registered trademark owned by Wizards of the Coast, Inc., a subsidiary of Hasbro, Inc. The Magic Lampoon is not
produced or endorsed by Wizards of the Coast, Inc.
Five Cents
Internet Edition
Since 2005

Click here to return to the front page.
Special Report:
Inquest Top 10 List Has
No Relationship With Reality

May 19, 2006
By Magic Lampoon staff
LOS ANGELES -- Epistemology experts expressed
shock, concern and even fright Friday when it was
announced that Inquest Gamer Magazine had created a
Dissension Top 10 list that had absolutely no relationship
with reality whatsoever.
      The list was neither true nor false, and in fact may
have come from "beyond our reality" completely, said
spokeswoman for the California Epistemology Center Tina
      "Normally, concepts are formed in relationship with
reality," center spokeswoman Tina Gaffney said. "Even a
false idea has a particular relationship with the facts of
existence -- a relationship we call 'falsehood,'" Gaffney
      "However, Inquest's list, which begins with
Squealing Devil and has not even a single dual land on it,
does not even have this relationship. It represents pure,
concentrated unreality, and so we believe it may have
come from another dimension altogether," she said.
      "I'm a little frightened by it," she said.
      The list, which features Condemn as its No. 1 card
and includes the split card Supply // Demand, does not
include such hyped cards as Rakdos Pit Dragon,
Cytoplast Manipulator or Grand Arbiter Augustin IV.
      The list does not align with any pattern of terrestrial
thought, whether "tournament-oriented," "cards new
players will fall for," "big splashy Timmy cards" or any
other human system, Gaffney said.
      "Imagine there were another dimension, where the
laws of physics as we know them do not apply," Gaffney
said. "Now imagine that in this other dimension exist
terrifying, Cthonic beings, whose thought processes are
so alien, so nonreal that we're not capable of beginning to
form the concepts that pass through their
extradimensional intellects," she said.
      "That is where the list comes from," she said,
      "I really don't want to be alone right now," she said.