Photochop – Billy Idol

Posted on March 18, 2012
Filed Under Photochops, Staff | 2 Comments

We actually deleted and reposted this one after a tweak we loved suggested by a friend at Good Gamery.

Losing Player Could Have Drawn Any Number Of Cards

Posted on March 16, 2012
Filed Under Articles, Flashbacks, Staff | 6 Comments

ORLANDO, Fla. — A player participating in round one of an eight-man draft announced Thursday after losing a game of Magic: The Gathering that during the game, he could have drawn any number of cards.

“I could have drawn my Glacial Ray, or my Hanabi Blast, or my Yamabushi’s Flame,” player Ike Boger said to other participants of the draft.

“I could have drawn this one, or this, or even this,” he added, holding up some more cards from his draft deck.

“Man,” Boger added.

Witnesses noted that instead of drawing any number of cards, Boger drew an Akki Underminer and a Battle-Mad Ronin.

“It’s unfortunate that he drew those cards instead of drawing one of the many cards that he could have drawn,” one witness said.

- March 25, 2005

Photochop – Horde

Posted on March 16, 2012
Filed Under Photochops, Staff | 2 Comments

Card Of The Week – Tattoo Ward

Posted on March 16, 2012
Filed Under Card of the Week | 3 Comments

This week’s card is Tattoo Ward. To protect yourself from enchantments, you get for yourself this convenient tattoo. Then when you’d like to destroy an enchantment, the tattoo comes right off!

Reminder Cards

Posted on March 14, 2012
Filed Under Articles, Staff | 23 Comments

By Marvin Lursen

I’ve been playing Magic a long time now, so I know a lot about this game. Most people don’t know it, but sometimes they print a card for Magic that’s just like, a reminder of how the game works. Like, instead of the card having some like ability or something that helps you win the game, the card just tells you something about the rules.

I’m serious. There are some cards and all they do is tell you how to play. And not only people paid money for these cards to be in their packs, but people also even RUN these cards in their DECKS!

This is so STUPID!

Look, I’ll show you what I’m talking about. Look at Vernal Bloom. “Whenever a Forest is tapped for mana, it’s controller adds G to his or her mana pool.”

DUH!

I know how a Forest works!

They make green mana! Duh!

Who in their right mind would pay four mana just for a card to tell him what his Forests do? YOU HAVE TO KNOW WHAT YOUR FORESTS DO TO CAST IT!

I would never, ever play this card because only a noob wouldn’t know what his Forests do. It’s so dumb and I hope Wizards never does it again.

“At the beginning of each player’s draw step, that player draws a card.”

NO KIDDING!

At least this time it’s on a good blocker. Although WHY IS HE LEGENDARY!

This card is red and green!

DUH!

OMG this one is even dumber than the other one! If you don’t know what lands do WHY ARE YOU PLAYING!

I don’t know who at Wizards thought that this was a good idea for a card but it’s a waste of a card and it’s so stupid.

This one is just as dumb as Vernal Bloom! But at least this time they put it on a 4/4 creature. Maybe that’s what Wizards is going to do in the future is put these reminder cards as creatures who are at least 4/4. Here’s my idea for a card then:

Crovax Vampire
4BB
Creature – Vampire
Each player gets a combat phase during his or her turn.
6/6

See mine is good because it’s a 6/6 which is something you might want to actually run.

OMG this is the dumbest one of all time. If you have flanking you have flanking — DUH!!! IT’S A TOTALITY! It’s a totality because it REFERS TO ITSELF and totalities are THINGS THAT ARE OBVIOUS!

Finally I want to talk about this one. I was going to talk about how stupid this one was but then I remembered that some people are color blind. If you’re color blind then you can’t help it and so you shouldn’t make fun of that. So this was probably a helpful idea but then why didn’t Wizards KEEP DOING IT! They did it like three times but then they stopped.

STOP DUMBING DOWN MAGIC WIZARDS!

Marvin Lursen is a Magic Lampoon correspondent.

Ideas brainstormed by users at Good Gamery contributed to this report.

Photochop – The Most Dangerous Game

Posted on March 12, 2012
Filed Under Photochops, Staff | 11 Comments

Konami Realizes That Absolutely Anything Can Be A Yu-Gi-Oh Card

Posted on March 11, 2012
Filed Under Articles, Flashbacks, Staff | 15 Comments

Actual Yu-Gi-Oh cards from real life.

TOKYO — Excited officials at Konami, the makers of Yu-Gi-Oh, announced at a news conference Wednesday that scientific tests had determined that absolutely anything can be a Yu-Gi-Oh card.

Tinako Gafune, spokeswoman for Konami, said that the franchise had now grown to subsume every possible thought, genre or concept, from monsters, robots and dragons to little tomato people held behind bars and evil houses that spit out Scotch tape.

“Think of absolutely anything that you can think of. For example, uh, ‘a jack-in-the-box with umbrellas for hands.’ There. That can be a Yu-Gi-Oh card,” Gafune said.

“Or, ‘four-slot toaster.’ Bang. Yu-Gi-Oh card,” Gafune said.

“Maybe if you sacrifice the toaster, that lets you get out a giant killer eggbeater for free,” she said.

Gafune said that nearly everyone in the company, from temporary office workers to full-time designers, contributes their ideas for new cards.

“It’s like a separate game,” Gafune said. “Who can be the most creative? Just yell out your ideas. ‘Haunted lawn mower!’ ‘Magnet cowboy!’ ‘Robot cucumber!’ There are no rules!” she added. “Everyone join in!”

- March 4, 2009

Photochop – Phyrexian Defiler

Posted on March 11, 2012
Filed Under Photochops, Staff | 5 Comments

Card Of The Week – Wild Hunger

Posted on March 9, 2012
Filed Under Card of the Week | 5 Comments

This week’s card is Wild Hunger. You mean, after the werewolves and vampires and zombies and ghosts, we have to deal with giant snakes in the kitchen?

Capcom Announces Street Fighter Collectible Fighting Game

Posted on March 8, 2012
Filed Under Articles, Staff | 5 Comments

SAN MATEO, Calif. — Capcom, the makers of the reknowned Street Fighter series of fighting video games, announced Thursday that the next game in the line would be a Street Fighter collectible fighting game later this year.

The game, called “Street Fighter CFG,” will come with two characters, Ken and Ryu. Players will be able to purchase more characters for their game by downloading “character booster packs” that will have two random characters each, a Capcom spokeswoman said in a news conference Wednesday.

“Some characters will be common, like Chun-Li, while Akuma will be a rare,” said Capcom spokeswoman Tina Gaffney. “And super-lucky players will get a shiny or ‘foil’ version of a character from time to time,” she said.

“Sheng Long is a mythic,” she added.

The character booster packs contain other features as well, Gaffney said.

“Not only do you get two characters in each downloadable booster pack, but you also three new colors and a new taunt,” Gaffney said.

Some reporters expressed concern over the amount of downloading required to play the game, and the online compatibility of gamers who had not downloaded the same characters.

“That won’t be a problem, because even though you’re only starting with two characters when you get the game, the other characters are actually on your disc already,” Gaffney said.

“You just can’t access them until you ‘download’ them,” she said.

Photochop – Megasus

Posted on March 4, 2012
Filed Under Photochops, Staff | 10 Comments

A Brief Future History Of Magic

Posted on February 29, 2012
Filed Under Articles, Flashbacks, Staff | 11 Comments

Destroy target creature.

Regenerate target creature.

Destroy target creature. It can’t be regenerated.

Target creature is indestructible. (”Destroy” effects and lethal damage don’t destroy it.)

Target creature can’t be indestructible.

Target creature can’t be prevented from being indestructible.

Spells and abilities can’t stop target creature from being prevented from being indestructible.

Players can’t play spells or abilities that would prevent the stopping of the prevention of the indestructibility of target creature.

Cards that would halt the prevention of the stopping of the prevention of the indestructibility of target creature have no text.

A player who plays a spell or ability that would remove the text of cards that would prevent the prevention of the cessation of stopping the indestructibility of target creature loses the game.

Whenever a player plays a spell or ability that would cause a player to lose the game for playing a spell or ability that would remove the text of cards that would prevent the prevention of the cessation of stopping the indestructibility of target creature, players play a MAGIC subgame using their libraries as their decks. Each player who loses the subgame loses the main game.

MAGIC subgames can’t be played.

MAGIC subgames can’t be prevented.

Players are insubgamable. (”Subgame” effects don’t make them play subgames.)

Card text cannot make players insubgamable.

Card text does not exist.

Each card text that would exist exists and cannot be prevented from existing. That card text cannot be prevented from reading what it would read or doing what it would do. All card text always destroys all creatures, and no card text can stop card text that would destroy all creatures from destroying them. Card text that would alter the existence of card text that would destroy all creatures cannot alter the existence of any card text, which is immutable and cannot be changed by any card text or any rule.

Ignore all rules.

- Jan. 25, 2007