A Brief Future History Of Magic
Posted on February 26, 2010
Filed Under Articles, Flashbacks, Staff | 7 Comments
Destroy target creature.
Regenerate target creature.
Destroy target creature. It can’t be regenerated.
Target creature is indestructible. (”Destroy” effects and lethal damage don’t destroy it.)
Target creature can’t be indestructible.
Target creature can’t be prevented from being indestructible.
Spells and abilities can’t stop target creature from being prevented from being indestructible.
Players can’t play spells or abilities that would prevent the stopping of the prevention of the indestructibility of target creature.
Cards that would halt the prevention of the stopping of the prevention of the indestructibility of target creature have no text.
A player who plays a spell or ability that would remove the text of cards that would prevent the prevention of the cessation of stopping the indestructibility of target creature loses the game.
Whenever a player plays a spell or ability that would cause a player to lose the game for playing a spell or ability that would remove the text of cards that would prevent the prevention of the cessation of stopping the indestructibility of target creature, players play a MAGIC subgame using their libraries as their decks. Each player who loses the subgame loses the main game.
MAGIC subgames can’t be played.
MAGIC subgames can’t be prevented.
Players are insubgamable. (”Subgame” effects don’t make them play subgames.)
Card text cannot make players insubgamable.
Card text does not exist.
Each card text that would exist exists and cannot be prevented from existing. That card text cannot be prevented from reading what it would read or doing what it would do. All card text always destroys all creatures, and no card text can stop card text that would destroy all creatures from destroying them. Card text that would alter the existence of card text that would destroy all creatures cannot alter the existence of any card text, which is immutable and cannot be changed by any card text or any rule.
Ignore all rules.
- Jan. 25, 2007
Card Of The Week – Season Of The Witch
Posted on February 25, 2010
Filed Under Card of the Week | 1 Comment
This week’s card is Season of the Witch. Season of the Witch is one of several Donovan-related Magic cards, along with “Colors” and “There is a Mountain.”
Rise Of The Eldrazi Expansion Symbol Says That You Have A Crush On Jenny
Posted on February 22, 2010
Filed Under Articles, Photochops, Staff | Leave a Comment
ZENDIKAR — Brief humiliation coupled with thrill and excitement were the emotions you felt Monday afternoon as the Rise of the Eldrazi expansion symbol correctly identified that you have a crush on Jenny.
Predicting future events on the playground before a live audience, the expansion symbol went on to say that before the week is out, you and Jenny would be sitting in a tree and k-i-s-s-i-n-g, a revelation quickly affirmed by classmates.
“First comes love, then comes marriage,” a chorus of playmates echoed Monday afternoon. “Then comes Jenny with a baby carriage!” they added.
The expansion symbol would not confirm Monday that Jenny reciprocates your feelings with a similar crush on you, much to your disappointment.
“Maybe,” the expansion symbol said enigmatically, opening and closing in an alternating pattern after you chose “green” and then “five.”
Jenny declined to speak to The Magic Lampoon on Monday, although she did hide behind a tree and peer at you for several minutes.
‘Dragons Is So Stupid’ Proclaims Irate Magic Player
Posted on February 21, 2010
Filed Under Articles, Flashbacks, Staff | Leave a Comment
WEST OF THE PECOS — An irate Magic: The Gathering player proclaimed that “Dragons is so stupid!” after drafting a Teneb the Harvester during an eight-man Monday.
The player, who called himself “Time Spiral Sam” and said he was the “roughenest, toughest Magic player this side of the tundra,” was unable to produce the necessary green, white and black mana needed to play the 6/6 legend twice during matches.
“I can’t even cast ya, ya overgrown hornytoad!” the Magic player yelled Monday.
The infuriated player then threw his cards on the ground and stomped on them repeatedly with both feet, jumping up and down.
“Ya no-good lizard! When I say ‘Cast,’ I mean, ‘Cast!’” he said, striking the card with a club.
When asked by a reporter whether he had drafted any mana fixers, the Magic player called the reporter a “buck-toothed varmint.”
“Say yer prayers, ya flea-bitten, fur-bearin’ galoot,” he said. “I’m gonna blow ya to smithereens.”
Earlier, the player had said he came to the draft hoping to become “a zillionaire.”
- Feb. 19, 2007
Photochop – Ulgrothan Intimidator
Posted on February 20, 2010
Filed Under Photochops, Staff | 5 Comments
Photochop – Tainted Swamp
Posted on February 20, 2010
Filed Under Photochops, Staff | Leave a Comment
Card Of The Week – Chameleon Colossus
Posted on February 16, 2010
Filed Under Card of the Week | 6 Comments
This week’s card is Chameleon Colossus: Magic’s mightiest Brushwagg!
Wizards Realizes That Any Color Can Be Justified As Doing Anything: Part 2
Posted on February 15, 2010
Filed Under Articles, Comments | Leave a Comment
Editor’s note — Our article ‘Wizards Realizes That Any Color Can Be Justified As Doing Anything‘ received a lot more reader comments than most of our articles, with a lot of people (a lot of them from GoodGamery) writing bits to add to the original article! We’ve taken some of these comments, edited them a little because we have OCD, and made them Part 2. Here they are!
Preventing Combat Damage
Preventing combat damage can be green, because green is the color of nature and plants, and you can’t have a combat if there are plants everywhere blocking your way.
Preventing combat damage can be white, because white represents laws and holiness, and you can’t have a war when there is a law against having wars on a particular day.
Preventing combat damage can be black, because black is the color of darkness, and you can’t fight in the dark. Also, black will do anything to win, even if that means preventing combat damage.
Preventing combat damage can be blue, because blue is the color of air, and fog is in the air, and fog is a spell that prevents combat damage, so blue can have it too.
Preventing combat damage can be red, because red represents confusion. When you’re confused, you don’t know who you’re going to attack, so you might as well not attack for once. You don’t want to hit yourself in the face, do you?
- Basilisk
Taking Extra Turns
Taking extra turns is blue, because blue is the color of manipulating and controlling time.
Taking extra turns is red, because red is reckless and bet blue that it could win a coin flip, and if it did, blue would help it take that extra turn it always wanted.
Taking extra turns is green, because the hippo grows wings to fight the condor, which is a nantuko teaching explaining that green hates blue.
Taking extra turns is white, because white likes chanting, and it’s really distracting so their opponents actually just skipped their turns, those simpletons.
Taking extra turns is black, because one of those ancient secrets black is always looking for is the secret of taking extra turns. Black will commit crimes to win, even if that crime is a time crime. Black will do anything to win.
- Mark
Resurrection
Resurrection can be black, because manipulate the graves and the deads. Black will do anything to win.
Resurrection can be blue, because blue can control even the minds of dead people.
Resurrection can be white, because white wants to save your soul and have again the beloved ones.
Resurrection can be red, because red can do anything if you don’t think too much about consequences, precision or planning.
Finally, resurrection can be green, because green push the cycle of life, and death becomes the soil for new creatures.
- MAGG
Armadillo Cloak
Armadillo Cloak can be red because armadillos get so angry that they get blinded by rage and act impulsively.
Armadillo Cloak can be blue because blue is the color of intelligence and there is nothing smarter than playing the best card in magic (Armadillo Cloak).
Armadillo Cloak can be white because white is the color of lifegain. Wait, Armadillo Cloak IS white!
Armadillo Cloak can be green because green is the color of creatures and making creatures bigger. Armadillo Cloak can also be green because it is green.
Armadillo Cloak can be black because black will do anything to win, and no card makes you win more immediately than Armadillo Cloak.
- slearch
First strike
First strike can be white, because humans invented weapons like the spear, which lets you attack someone before they get to you. White also has knights, who have first strike because it was passed down to them by their fathers.
First strike can be red, because red is the color of speed, and hitting someone first means you’re really fast.
First strike can be black, because it stole the spears from white. It’s also the color of unimaginable terrors with sharp teeth and hooked tentacles, and man, watch out for those. Those will do anything to win.
First strike can be green, because green has elves, and elves have bows and arrows. Arrows are really fast, so they strike you. First.
First strike can be blue, because narwhals have spears on their noses. That’s where white and black got their weapons from.
- Mark
Exiling attacking creatures
Exiling attacking creatures can be white, because white can exile any creatures, whenever it wants. Maybe they just happen to be attacking when they get exiled. If you didn’t want to get exiled, you shouldn’t have entered the battlefield. All’s fair in love and war, and white is the color of being fair.
Exiling attacking creatures can be blue, because blue is the color of making things be somewhere else all of a sudden. First you’re attacking, and then poof, you’re somewhere else. But not the graveyard, the library, or the hand. Some other place. It’s not easy to explain. You couldn’t understand the intricacies — you’re not blue.
Exiling attacking creatures can be black, because black is the color of putting mirrors in front of things, and then when the mirror gets broken it makes the thing go away and replaces it with an evil reflection. This may cause black seven years of bad luck, but black doesn’t care. Black will do anything to win.
Exiling attacking creatures can be red, but it does it at end of turn, and mostly to creatures that have haste, and maybe trample. Red is the color of creatures only getting to attack once.
Exiling attacking creatures can be green, because here you are, walking through this stupid forest, and Steve said he knew a shortcut but then a bear ate him, and all the trees look the same, and you didn’t sign up to get eaten by a bear anyway, you’re going home. Green is the color of bears.
- Deathsquiggle
Flipping cards onto the playing area from a height of at least one foot such that they flip over completely at least once and trying to make them land on other cards and then destroying or damaging those cards
Flipping cards onto the playing area from a height of at least one foot such that they flip over completely at least once and trying to make them land on other cards and then destroying or damaging those cards can be red because goblins are stupid and you can justify anything by just making a stupid goblin do it like you could call it goblin skydiving but the goblin doesn’t have a parachute and he’s fat so he break things. Ha ha.
Flipping cards onto the playing area from a height of at least one foot such that they flip over completely at least once and trying to make them land on other cards and then destroying or damaging those cards can be black because black is the color of Death and Death gets really bored sometimes and throws cards into the air and tries to make them land on other cards. Also, black will do anything to win.
Flipping cards onto the playing area from a height of at least one foot such that they flip over completely at least once and trying to make them land on other cards and then destroying or damaging those cards can be white because white is the color of removing things from the game and the game takes place on a plane and you have to remove the card from the plane to drop it.
Flipping cards onto the playing area from a height of at least one foot such that they flip over completely at least once and trying to make them land on other cards and then destroying or damaging those cards can be green because green is the color of plants and that’s kind of how plants spread their seeds and if you called it a weed you could get away with the part about destroying or damaging things.
Flipping cards onto the playing area from a height of at least one foot such that they flip over completely at least once and trying to make them land on other cards and then destroying or damaging those cards can be blue because is the color of flying and falling is a lot like flying and blue is also the color of ninjas and you could throw the card like a shuriken.
- Skeletor
Card drawing
Card drawing can be blue because blue can think real hard to remember spells or go to the library to check a spellbook out.
Card drawing can be green because getting in touch with nature means green has wisdom and knowledge
Card drawing can be red because red can bully people unless they can draw cards. Someone might get hurt, see.
Card drawing can be black because black can do anything so long as it pays life or sacrifices cretures or something. Black will do anything to win, and it can win at one life just fine thank you very much.
Card drawing can be white because white believes in being fair and will probably pay a bunch of mana and let you gain some life while it is drawing cards. Just to be even.
- Aeldaar
Winning the game
Winning the game can be blue because you need to think about it to decide who the winner is and blue is good at messing with minds and making people decide that maybe they want to lose this time.
Winning the game can be white because white is the color of fairness and you won last game so I should get to win this one.
Winning the game can be red because red can say that they won and make you so mad that it takes you until you get home to realize that they didn’t actually win yet.
Winning the game can be green because green is the color of having the most creatures, which means that they can vote you in as supreme winner for life.
Black will do anything to win.
- ewie
Jumping on the Bandwagon
Jumping on the bandwagon can be white, because white values the majority over the minority, and jumping on the bandwagon helps support the majority.
Jumping on the bandwagon can also be blue, because blue can foresee the consequences of being the odd man out, and if those consequences are unfavorable blue will choose to do what everyone else is doing.
Jumping on the bandwagon can also be black, because black wouldn’t want everyone to single it out because it didn’t go with the flow. That would hamper black’s chances of winning, and black will do anything to win.
Jumping on the bandwagon can also be red, because if red sees its friends having fun, red will join them in hopes of also having a great time. Red could also use it as an opportunity to meet new friends.
Finally, jumping on the bandwagon can also be green, because green’s instincts tell it there is safety in numbers.
- Dread Archon
Large creatures with no abilities
Large creatures with no abilities can be green, because green is big and doesn’t think too hard about anything. It is also the color of creatures, and the color of growth, so it is only natural that green would have large creatures.
Large creatures with no abilities can also be white, because white is about order and military might and a bunch of soldiers acting together are like one big creature, with no abilities.
Large creatures with no abilities can also be blue, because blue is the color of the ocean and the biggest creatures live in the ocean like whales and squid and when was the last time you saw a whale or squid with any abilities.
Large creatures with no abilities can also be black, because black often gets big creatures as long as they have a drawback, and what bigger drawback is there than having no abilities. Also, maybe something big died, like a whale or a bunch of soldiers acting together, only now they are zombies. That’s black. Black, after all, will do anything to win.
Large creatures with no abilities can also be red, because red is about mountains which are very big and have no abilities whatsoever.
- psymunn
Umezawa’s Jitte
Umezawa’s Jitte can be black because black can gain life, make its creatures bigger, shrink creatures until they are dead, and do all of these while juggling with Bottle Gnomes on a bicycle. Yes, you heard it right; black will do any of these to win even if it means having to hire a cruel professional forkmaster assassin!
Umezawa’s Jitte can be white because white gains life. Actually nothing delights white more than gaining life, especially creatures gaining life when they damage things. Also, white is the color of retribution and holy strength and civilization. Civilized people use forks.
Umezawa’s Jitte can be green because green likes big. healthy creatures who would like to get bigger, enormous, huge, gigantic, colossal, gargantuan … as they hit people with forks.
Umezawa’s Jitte can be red because red likes to do whatever it wants and this fork can do whatever red wants! Also, goblins can do all sorts of stupid things with this, maybe gouge someone or their eyes or make a Sea Monster shish-kabob. Goblins are red and obviously, yeah.
Umezawa’s Jitte can be blue because blue is the color of mind manipulation and … oh, wait. OK, blue is the color of artifacts and researching them and discovering ways to control them for dominating your battlefield while it enslaves your mind into butchering your own creatures with a fork. Mean artifacts go with mean colors, like blue.
- Car-o-phage
Photochop – Konda’s Banter
Posted on February 15, 2010
Filed Under Photochops, Staff | Leave a Comment
Flores Loves You
Posted on February 14, 2010
Filed Under Articles, Flashbacks, Staff | 2 Comments
A devoted follower announced Friday that famed Magic: the Gathering player Mike Flores, widely regarded as an expert at the game, loves you and that he has a plan for you.
“Did you know that Flores is the door and the way?” said devotee Minnie Taylor.
“He has a plan for you. But it’s up to you to hear Flores,” she said. “You can either hear him or turn away and be lost.”
Taylor said that Flores, who is considered to be one of the greatest deckbuilders the game has ever seen, offers himself to you.
“Flores loves you,” Taylor said. “There is no condemnation in you if you are with him. If you call upon the name of Flores, you will be saved. But you need to place your faith in the finished work of Flores.”
Taylor also asked if you had heard the good news.
“He is risen,” she said.
“If you’d like to discuss your relationship with Flores and the love that’s in Flores’ heart with someone, you can e-mail me,” she said. “Flores and I have a strong relationship.”
- Feb 3, 2006
« go back — keep looking »-
Submissions
-
Search
-
Admin
