Check it out here.

PAWTUCKET, R.I. — Emergency workers struggled throughout Monday evening to reach three Hasbro executives believed to be alive and trapped underneath an enormous pile of money at the company’s headquarters.

The avalanche of money fell onto the missing executives Monday afternoon when a two-story divider wall collapsed from the weight of crisp, new 10s, 20s and 100s leaning against it in another room.

Four other Hasbro employees were struck by the mountain of bills but escaped serious injury.

“It was like a Jokulhlaups of money,” said one worker.

County emergency services personnel brought in sniffer dogs to locate the three men, believed to have been walking near the wall when it collapsed.

“You can see from the construction of this wall that it was never meant to bear any heavy load, whether shelving, or hanging structures, or a towering, teetering mass of greenbacks,” said emergency services spokeswoman Tina Gaffney.

Building workers should have recognized the danger, she said.

“This obscenely enormous pile must have weighed upward of 16 tons,” she said. “But it’s soft and flows somewhat like water, so we believe the executives are most likely still alive, possibly counting the money even as we speak.”

An employee of Hasbro subsidiary Wizards of the Coast said that he had repeatedly warned Hasbro officials of the dangerous situation the pile of money was creating.

“I told them a million times, they need to do something with the money,” said the employee, who asked to remain anonymous. “You know, like buy us all Lamborghinis again or something. Not just leave the money sitting there in a beautiful mountain.”

Originally ran on MiseTings, July 18, 2003

ST. PETERSBURG, Fla. — Fans and sports analysts were enraged Thursday as the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, with no reasonable chance of making the playoffs, stubbornly refused to concede to the New York Yankees at Tropicana Field.

After taking the field Thursday, it rapidly grew apparent that the Rays had no intention of conceding the game and in fact were demanding that the Yankees play all nine innings.

Sports commentators were shocked and disgusted.

“The Rays are pretty much out of the running. They have no real shot at the playoffs. When they’re faced against the Yankees, a team that’s actually looking at a possible playoff berth, why don’t the Rays do the right thing and concede?” said baseball sportscaster Dingus “Chick” Beaver during the game Thursday.

The Yankees are 58-36 for the season so far, having a slim lead over their fellow division members the Red Sox, who are 55-39. The Rays, meanwhile, are 32-61.

As the Rays would not concede the game Thursday, both New York fans and Rays fans in attendance began booing and throwing trash onto the field.

“Don’t we have a right to play the game?” asked Manager Lou Piniella during a news conference afterward, to the heckling and catcalls of reporters present.

“You know, this team could really take a lesson from Magic: The Gathering,” Beaver said after the game. “In Magic: The Gathering, the coverage of which you may have seen on ESPN, if a player is 9-0 in a Nationals and can afford to lose a few matches, and he gets paired against his friends, he does the right thing, you know, lays down, and gives them a few points by chucking in the towel.”

Beaver said that if baseball teams would adopt such behavior, it would make for a “better World Series” because the teams “that really deserve it” would get the free wins they have coming to them.

“I mean, sure, in any other sport we would call such behavior ‘grotesque collusion; immoral; a slap in the face to the very concepts of fair play and sportsmanship; a mockery of competition that apparently is merely alleged to be professional; unmanly; dirty; and downright fraudulent,’ but, um, they don’t call it that in Magic and so that’s what I’m saying,” Beaver said.

“And, you know, in Magic, a player who can’t win would do the same thing and concede if he got paired against a player who can,” he said.

“The Rays need to get with the program.”

Yankees Manager Joe Torre said he doesn’t believe Piniella realized the seriousness of his actions.

“He could have cost us a game! Does he understand that?” Torre said. “What if we didn’t make the playoffs because the Devil Rays refused to concede? Can you imagine? Another team would have a better record and make the playoffs!”

“What was he, just doing it out of spite?” Torre said.

Baseball has a long, fine tradition of teams conceding or otherwise losing on purpose, said baseball historian Tina Gaffney.

“Did you ever see ‘Eight Men Out’?” Gaffney said. “The ‘Black Sox’? Now that was the age of gentlemen.”

CORCORAN STATE PRISON, Calif. — Promising plenty of “mischievous, irreverent antics” were he to win, incarcerated serial murderer Charles Manson made an appeal to the Magic community and began asking Wednesday if people would please vote for him to participate in the Magic Invitational tournament this year.

“I’m the bad boy of Magic!” Manson said.

Manson, now 67, is known for his role as a cultlike leader of “The Family” in the grisly and notorious slayings of Sharon Tate, Jay Sebring and others in 1969. He is currently incarcerated for life and has been repeatedly denied parole, and said he will play Tinker after the November rotation.

“Whether I’m trash-talking before a match, ribbing an opponent who has made a mistake, or threatening to plunge a bayonet into the neck of a judge and scrawl Beatles lyrics on the walls with his blood, I am exactly the sort of brash, arrogant, antiauthority maverick that Magic needs right now,” Manson said in a widely distributed e-mail.

“I’m in your face and don’t care what you think. That’s why I’m asking for your vote,” Manson said.

Supporters and fans said that flamboyant figures like Manson are good for the game and provide exciting match details for Internet journalists.

“Charlie is cool. Maybe not everyone likes him, but that’s exactly what makes him so much fun to watch,” said Manson fan and former cult member Leslie Van Houten, who is serving a life sentence in the California Institution for Women, Frontera, and whom prosecutors said participated in the legendary slayings by stabbing Rosemary LaBianca 14 to 16 times.

“You just never know what Charlie will do next, and that’s the sort of thing that draws spectators to pro tours and events like the Invitational,” Van Houten said. “Maybe he’ll say something funny to an opponent, or kill someone.”

“I mean, Charlie don’t surf. You know?” she asked.

Manson said that most professional Magic players are boring.

“People don’t want to see the good guy,” Manson said. “They want to see the bad boy. And that’s me! You just never know what I’m going to say, or even what I’m going to wear. I will challenge your conventions, shake your foundations and all the while win your heart with my rebellious brand of whimsical insouciance.”

The voting for the Invitational ended Thursday, shortly after Manson began making his plea. It’s unclear whether Manson received any votes.

“You know, I used to talk a lot about revolution back in the 60s and 70s. But if you say you want a revolution, wait until you see my revolutionary Ponza sideboard. It’s amazing!” Manson had said in the e-mail.

“Also, I promise to write a really cool tournament report, with poetry, song lyrics and everything,” he said. “Please, won’t you vote for me?”

ISLAMABAD/NEW DELHI — Despite official claims that the action is not a threat, tensions escalated Friday in the territory of Kashmir when Pakistan tapped the entire Hindu Kush mountain range and added 21 red mana to its mana pool.

“We’re not up to anything, I promise,” said Pakistan President Pervez Musharraf. “Don’t worry about it whatsoever.”

“India, especially, should pay no attention,” he said.

India was seen to nervously finger two islands Friday.

“Yeah, I’m just so sure that Pakistan is going to mana burn for 21,” said Indian Prime Minister Atal Behari Vajpayee. “Right, people just do that all the time. They just tap their lands for no reason.”

“As if,” he added.

Vajpayee and Musharraf have refused to meet each other halfway for talks despite U.S. attempts to break the military standoff in Kashmir. U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell said he nonetheless remained optimistic that a peaceful solution could result.

“We’re going to try to defuse the situation and avoid moving to the combat phase as long as possible,” Powell said. “Possibly by using U.N. monitors.”

Wrgl Tarkon-Fuentes, Newgarfieldtownshire, November 80th, 80085 VD

The FindMagicCards.com Building was abuzz yesterday regarding the incredible price fetched by the extremely rare nondigital card “The Black Lotus.”  The Sons of Buehler Clan auctioned their legendary “The Black Lotus” to the Lapmasters of Long Clan for an unprecedented 2000000 space-tix. This huge space-tix transfer will allow The Sons to replace their aging armory of brain lasers and invest in new Magic Online accounts.

Space-Colonel Jack Ng had this to say in an online space-interview, “Without these new brain lasers we would not  be able to feed our space-families. The new brain lasers will be used to kill the Nubs we rely on to make space-burgers and nutrient-juice.” Space-Colonel Ng added, “The Magic Online accounts are necessary for communications between our space-colonies, and to test our MUC decks. Ng Out LOL”

According to space-scientists, the “The Black Lotus” gained notoriety due to the fact it is made from paper, a by-product of a long-extinct beast, known as “Trees.” Shrouded in myth and conjecture, “The Black Lotus” and its abilities were recently revealed.

Magic Online Historian Dr. Gekky Weaselbutt recently published in his latest thesis, “The rediscovery of the Lotus as a card was a bit of a disappointment for space-people born after The Great Power Creep of the 215th Century when Maro’s Brain-in-a-jar slew Gleemax. If a player  really needs to add mana to their pool to combat Nubs they could use the much quicker Grak’s Managoonz or the common Space Lands. What is of note is the Lotus is an artifact without a subtype צ, unknown since 31337 VD.”

The winner of the auction, Lapmasters of Long, is a very wealthy Magic Online Clan. Much of their fortune has  been gained selling “Winning Space-Secrets©” to the alien race known as Nubs. What the Lapmasters plan on doing with “The Black Lotus” is anyone’s guess. Lapmaster’s chairman, a virus known as Mike.EXE, put out this press release:

“MAGIC SECRETS REVEALED! Internal Space Server Error: Please send the file 80085_80_176_NOV.rtfm to space-support@space-wotc.com. EXE Out LOL.”

Tarkon-Fuentes Out LOL

Related Articles:

Is our space-food safe?: brain lasers and you

Mike.EXE virus spreads with help from Nubs

Maro’s Brain-in-a-jar gives itself raise, promotes “to stay competitive”

צ SRC:12004th Edition Comprehensive Rules

As you begin to celebrate the Festival of the Guildpact today, you should take a moment to think about the true meaning of this wonderful holiday.

The Festival of the Guildpact is about much more than attacking your foes with ancient terrors that you’ve brought forth from another time. It’s about more than consigning magical creatures to the oblivion of the aether from whence they came, or enlarging a rampaging beast that’s bearing down on some soldiers you’re trying to destroy.

The Festival is a celebration of family and of bringing people together. It’s about good cheer, and friendship, and a benevolent spirit.

It wasn’t originally about commercialism, materialism and raising zombified nightmares from the local graveyard.

Regardless of your particular belief system — regardless of whether you worship the guildpact, or have some other faith — the Festival is about compassion, and giving.

Sometimes, in the rush to give one another presents, we go through the motions of giving without feeling the spirit of giving. Sometimes, in the hurry to scorch and blister the flesh our enemies with magical spells of searing fire during this holiday season, we forget that it’s supposed to be about the promotion of goodwill.

Today, as you gather together with friends and family, or if you’re planning on tearing forth and rending asunder the souls of some of your foes with necromantic wizardry, stop — take the time to embrace and to feel the true spirit of the Festival of the Guildpact.

For the children.