Sneak Preview — Avacyn Restored Intro Pack

The staff of The Magic Lampoon has got its hands on the complete decklist for an Avacyn Restored intro pack!
Now, we don’t know what the cards do yet. Just the names! But we’ll give you more information as we find out.
In the meantime, here’s the decklist for Grave Injustice! Bold card names indicate cards from [...]

Gentlemen, I Believe That What We’re Looking At Here Is … Murder

By Crovax, evincar of Rath
I’d like to ask everyone to please stand back, and do not disturb anything in the room.
Gentlemen, I believe that what we’re looking at here is … murder.
I’m going to have to ask that everyone remain here, as each of you are suspects.
Murder? Indeed. I suspected … murder … the moment [...]

Demon Severs Relationship With Wizards, Cites Placement ‘On Back Of Card’

INNISTRAD — Notorious and fearsome demon Withengar announced Wednesday that he was severing his business relationship with Earth corporation Wizards of the Coast after he found that he had been placed on the back of a Magic: the Gathering card in the upcoming set Dark Ascension.
A demon of his stature should have been featured on [...]

Malfegor Announces He Loves These Little Debbies Snack Cakes

ALARA — Malfegor, the great demon dragon of Alara, announced Tuesday evening that he loves his Little Debbies snack cakes and that he would not allow anyone else in the entire plane of Alara to come near them.
“Devil Squares — Fudge Brownies — Swiss Cake Rolls — I love them all,” the monstrous being told [...]

Wizards Announces Fifth Edition Dungeons And Dragons

RENTON, Wash. — Parent company Wizards of the Coast announced this week that the iconic role-playing game Dungeons & Dragons would be remade into a Fifth Edition, and that the desires of fans would figure prominently into the new edition’s design.
Mike Mearls of Wizards of the Coast said that the company recognizes that the game’s [...]

Survey Of Ravnicans Reveals Fully 98 Percent Know All About Dimir Guild

RAVNICA — An informal survey here of Ravnican citizens reveals that fully 98 percent of them know all about the existence of the Dimir Guild, the colors it represents and so on.
“See that guy right over there, the one made entirely out of strips of cloth? He’s one of them,” said one passer-by on the [...]

Guess How Many Eyeballs Are In This Jar Of Eyeballs And Win A Free Fully Loaded 2011 Galvanic Juggernaut

By Dave Klaus
Special to The Magic Lampoon
Hi! I’m Dave Klaus of Klaus Juggernaut, and we still have 2011 Juggernauts in stock!
Stop by today for a tremendous deal on a 2011 Juggernaut. Participate today in our contest by guessing how many eyeballs are in this jar of eyeballs, and win a free, fully equipped 2011 Galvanic [...]

How To Write Flavor Text For Phyrexia

By Tina Gaffney
Special to The Magic Lampoon
Hi! I’m Tina Gaffney, and I’m the flavor text coordinator for Magic: the Gathering at Wizards of the Coast.
Today I’m going to talk about how to write flavor text for Phyrexia. Our upcoming set, Mirrodin Beseiged, has plenty of Phyrexian nasties for you to enjoy. Let me tell you, [...]

Wizards Is Proud To Announce: Avacyn Restored

RENTON, Wash. — On May 4, the dawn over Innistrad will be ignited with the release of the third set of Innistrad block, Avacyn Restored, announced Wizards of the Coast.
Like Rise of the Eldrazi, Avacyn Restored will be a large set even though it is the third set of its block, said Monty Ashley of [...]

A Personal Appeal From Phyrexia Founder Yawgmoth

I’m a volunteer.
Like the countless others before me who have tried to infect worlds with a sinister plague, I don’t get paid a copper coin. But as the Father of Machines, I have been here from the beginning, and I have to tell you, I never thought that Phyrexia would get to be this big.
We [...]

Sexual Symbolism In ‘Zelda: Skyward Sword’

Editor’s note: While “Zelda” is not normally associated with Magic: The Gathering, we feel that, as giant nerds, our hobbies overlap somewhat. We hope yours do, as well.
By Dr. Hilton J. Fallon, Ph.D.
Special to The Magic Lampoon
Sexual imagery is an important part of modern media and culture. Many modern created works contain numerous sexual symbols. [...]

People Have Forgotten The True Spirit Of The Festival Of The Guildpact

As you begin to celebrate the Festival of the Guildpact today, you should take a moment to think about the true meaning of this wonderful holiday.
The Festival of the Guildpact is about much more than attacking your foes with ancient terrors that you’ve brought forth from another time. It’s about more than consigning magical creatures [...]

The Following Abilities Are Now Optional In Sanctioned Tournaments

Editor’s Note: The following was added this week to the Magic: the Gathering Infraction Procedure Guide, the official guide that “provides judges the appropriate penalties and procedures to handle offenses that occur during the course of a Competitive or Professional tournament, as well as the underlying philosophy that guides their implementation.”
OPTIONAL ABILITIES
Traditionally, some abilities include [...]

Kids Will Love Wacky Magic Eyeball Pen!

What to do for Christmas. Not the same old video games again!
Moms! Dads! Kids will love Wacky Magic Eyeball Pen™.
Wacky Magic Eyeball Pen™ lets your kids make rainbow pictures that glow in the dark! It’s the perfect Christmas gift.
Wacky Magic Eyeball Pen™ comes in red, crimson, scarlet and bright red.
Kids! It’s easy. Simply take Wacky [...]

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