Why Didn’t We Think Of Werewolves?

Posted on February 15, 2012
Filed Under Articles, Staff | 3 Comments

Jin-Gitaxias

By Jin-Gitaxias

Core Augur

Do you have any idea how many hours have gone into this crap?

Thousands upon thousands. Capturing humans, testing them, developing viruses, giving the humans the viruses, watching them die, capturing more humans …

So I mean, I’ve been working as long as I can remember on perfecting a virus for the humans. Ever since I got to this stupid place.

And here I am slaving away, trying to develop the perfect contagious killing machine …

OK, so, here I am, right, months of work, and some joker we sent to Innistrad is like, hey. Why don’t you just make them werewolves.

And I’m like … uh

What

Yeah, yeah, see, over on this other plane, apparently they have this super-contagious disease, so contagious that you can’t hardly keep humans from even getting it, and it’s like totally natural and you don’t even need to do any research at all.

You wanna tell me why, you know, while you were boppin’ around on Innistrad all this time, and I’m over here beating my head against the frickin’ wall, you decided that it wasn’t a good idea to mention this BEFORE NOW?!

Lycanthropy, they call it. Listen to this crap.

- Gives the humans bestial ferocity
- Gives the humans bestial intelligence; in other words, reduces them to perfect goddamn idiocy
- Makes them incredibly strong
- And get this, DOESN’T KILL THEM.

That’s right! They just keep this disease forever, infecting everyone they bite!

Facepalm.

Are there drawbacks? I guess.

- Fleas

Fleas. Big deal. You give humans the stuff we’ve been working with, you get frickin’ BLOWFLIES. I’ll take fleas over blowflies any day, thank you very much. Have you ever seen blowflies? They get in your eyes, man.

- The smell

That’s just great. Because, you know what? Since a sense of smell just gets in the way when you’re dealing with infected, bloated corpses, I HAD MINE REMOVED.

- Sometimes they don’t listen

So what? It’s not like I’m not the guy who PERSONALLY REINVENTED THE SPINAL GRAFT.

WHICH TOOK LIKE EIGHT MONTHS OF TRIALS.

So would you do me a favor? Instead of standing there like a slack-jawed moron, how about showing some initiative and GOING BACK TO INNISTRAD AND BRINGING ME SOME GODDAMN WEREWOLVES SO WE CAN FINALLY CONQUER THIS SON OF A BITCH.

Man, I’m getting too old for this shit.

Jin-Gitaxias is a research professor, the core augur and a correspondent for The Magic Lampoon.

Comments

3 Responses to “Why Didn’t We Think Of Werewolves?”

  1. John-Michael Gariepy on February 15th, 2012 11:17 pm

    Oof. Wait’ll he hears about the vampires…

  2. Kingrames on February 15th, 2012 11:27 pm

    This so reminded me of the “Fuck it, we’re going to five blades” Onion article.

    Which would be totally appropriate as “Fuck it, I’m boarding in a fifth (doom) blade.”

  3. godzola on February 16th, 2012 9:49 am

    You spend too much time on outmoded research… in Phyrexia.

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