Wizards Realizes That Any Color Can Be Justified As Doing Anything
Posted on February 7, 2010
Filed Under Articles, Flashbacks, Staff | 19 Comments
RENTON, Wash. — Wizards of the Coast announced Friday that it has realized that any color of Magic can be justified as being able to do anything.
“Direct damage, for example, can be red because of fire or lightning,” said Matt Cavotta, writing for Wizards of the Coast. “Direct damage can also be black, representing vampiric consumption,” he said.
“However, direct damage could be white, which represents arrows or catapult shots,” Cavotta said. “It could also be blue, representing psionic attack,” he told reporters Friday.
“Finally, direct damage can also be green, representing wind and bees. Bees, raining down from the sky and stinging everyone,” he said.
“That’s right. It’s raining bees,” he said.
Wizards of the Coast offered a breakdown of how, in the future, every color will be able to do anything.
Counterspells
Counterspells can be blue, because blue has the ability to control magic.
Counterspells can also be white, because white tries to assert rules and make other people conform.
Counterspells can also be green, because green believes that nothing should disturb the natural order.
Counterspells could be black, because black is the keeper of ancient knowledge. Also, black will do anything to win.
Finally, counterspells could be red, because you don’t tell red what to do. Red doesn’t play by your stupid rules, man. Red does whatever the fuck it wants. Fuck you.
Land Destruction
Land destruction can be red, because red represents the earth and primal forces such as earthquakes.
Land destruction can be green, because green represents the earth and primal forces such as gophers digging up everything in sight.
Land destruction can be black, because black loves to destroy. Also, black will do anything to win.
Land destruction can be white, because white is the color of taxing the living crap out of you.
Finally, land destruction can be blue, because lands make mana, and blue is the color of doing something to your mana until everything sucks and you don’t have any mana and blue has all the mana.
Discard
Discard can be black, because black attacks the mind and rends your very soul. Black will do anything to win.
Discard can be blue, because blue attacks your mind and blue takes the cards in your mind and makes you discard them.
Discard can be white, because white makes rules for everyone, and you not having cards is a new rule.
Discard can be red, because red can do anything. We’ll just give it some kind of drawback.
Finally, discard can be green, because green wants everyone to play with creatures on the table, not stupid cards in your hand where they don’t belong. Having cards in your hand sounds like something blue would do. And green hates blue.
Searching Out Lands
Land search can be green, because green represents growth and nature, and lands are the natural areas of the game.
Land search can be white, because white represents order, the march of civilization, the work of farmers and the creation of communities.
Land search can be red, because red represents rock and stone and the power of the earth.
Land search can be black, because black seeks out ancient secrets and uses them to win. Black will do anything to win. Black also represents getting out like a dozen Swamps and winning with some huge spell that has an X in its mana cost, and in order to do that, you’re going to need a lot of land. Also, black can already search for like any card, so what the hell. Searching for just lands is less powerful. “Duh.”
Finally, land search can be blue, because blue represents tidal waves, and so searching out Islands is like the flow of a huge tidal wave. Also, blue is the color of deck manipulation. Blue is also the color of drawing cards. Blue steals lands, and searching out a land is like stealing one from your mind. Blue is also the color of having more lands than you. However many lands you have, blue should have more, because you should be able to win with a lot less land than blue. If you can’t, there’s something wrong with you. A good player could just play around it.
- Feb. 9, 2007
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Preventing Combat Damage
Preventing combat damage can be green, because green is the color of nature and plants, and you can’t have a combat if there are plants everywhere blocking your way.
Preventing combat damage can be white, because white represents laws and holiness, and you can’t have a war when there is a law against having wars on a particular day.
Preventing combat damage can be black, because black is the color of darkness, and you can’t fight in the dark. Also, black will do anything to win, even if that means preventing combat damage.
Preventing combat damage can be blue, because blue is the color of air, and fog is in the air, and fog is a spell that prevents combat damage, so blue can have it too.
Preventing combat damage can be red, because red represents confusion. When you’re confused, you don’t know who you’re going to attack, so you might as well not attack for once. You don’t want to hit yourself in the face, do you?
Hahaha “plants everywhere blocking your way” XD
One of my favourites ever. Very clever and funny!
Taking Extra Turns
Taking extra turns is blue, because blue is the color of manipulating and controlling time.
Taking extra turns is red, because red is reckless and bet blue that it could win a coin flip, and if it did, blue would help it take that extra turn it always wanted.
Taking extra turns is green, because the hippo grows wings to fight the condor, which is a nantuko teaching explaining that green hates blue.
Taking extra turns is white, because white likes chanting, and it’s really distracting so their opponents actually just skipped their turns, those simpletons.
Taking extra turns is black, because one of those ancient secrets black is always looking for is the secret of taking extra turns. Black will commit crimes to win, even if that crime is a time crime.
Resurrection
Resurrection can be black, because manipulate the graves and the deads. Black will do anything to win. (Animate Dead)
Resurrection can be blue, because blue can control even the minds of dead people. (Dreams of the Dead)
Resurrection can be white, because white wants to save your soul and have again the beloved ones. (Resurrection)
Resurrection can be red, because red can do anything if don’t think too much about consequences, precision or planning. (Search for Survivors)
Finally, resurrection can be green, because green push the cycle of life, and death becomes the soil for new creatures. (Reincarnation)
Blue can destroy lands because like, look at the City of Atlantis, vannishing beneath the waves.
Blue can search out lands because look, it’s the lost City of Atlantis, rising from beneath the waves!
Discard can be red, because red is the color of chaos and there is nothing more random than making everyone discarding everything only to immediately replace those cards afterwards. Except that you will draw many lightning bolts and torch your opponents’ faces. At least you’re supposed to, poindexter. (Wheel of Fortune)
Discard can be blue because it’s the color of the mind and apparently mind bullets will tear holes in the head: yours and/or your opponent’s. (Amnesia)
Discard can be white but only if everyone remain with the same number of cards in the end. This is because white is the color of justice, so these spells are usually fair and will make you new friends every game. Sure some lands and creatures will die too but nothing broken will be taking place, at all. (Balance)
Discard can be green, because green is the color of creatures, humans included, and according to William Golding: “Human nature is inherently corruptible and wicked. Just add some blue mana in there [citation needed]“. You could even spend some black mana to add some killing to the equation, because black will do anything to win, even invade cards in a different color. (Ana Battlemage)
Discard can be black because black is the color of decay, I mean the cay that your brain will become, laying uncharted in an enormous ocean of sludgy insanity. Black will do everything to win, even use ridiculous puns. (Mind Sludge)
Armadillo Cloak can be red because armadillos get so angry that they get blinded by rage and act impulsively.
Armadillo Cloak can be blue because blue is the color of intelligence and there is nothing smarter than playing the best card in magic (Armadillo Cloak).
Armadillo Cloak can be white because white is the color of lifegain. Wait, Armadillo Cloak IS white!
Armadillo Cloak can be green because green is the color of creatures and making creatures bigger. Armadillo Cloak can also be green because it is green.
Armadillo Cloak can be black because black will do anything to win, and no card makes you win more immediately than Armadillo Cloak.
First Strike
White is the color of first strike, because humans invented weapons like the spear, which lets you attack someone before they get to you. White also has knights, who have first strike because it was passed down to them by their fathers.
Red is the color of first strike, because red is the color of speed, and hitting someone first means you’re really fast.
Black is the color of first strike, because it stole the spears from white. It’s also the color of unimaginable terrors with sharp teeth and hooked tentacles, and man, watch out for those. They’ll do anything to win.
Green is the color of first strike, because green has elves, and elves have bows and arrows. Arrows are really fast, so they strike you. First.
Blue is the color of first strike, because narwhals have spears on their noses. That’s where white and black got their weapons from.
“Also, black will do anything to win.”
“…white makes rules for everyone, and you not having cards is a new rule.”
= delicious cop-outs :DDD
Exiling attacking creatures
White can exile attacking creatures, because white can exile any creatures, whenever it wants. Maybe they just happen to be attacking when they get exiled. If you didn’t want to get exiled, you shouldn’t have entered the battlefield. All’s fair in love and war, and white is the color of being fair.
Blue can exile attacking creatures because blue is the color of making things be somewhere else all of the sudden. First you’re attacking, and then poof, you’re somewhere else. But not the graveyard, the library, or the hand. Some other place. It’s not easy to explain. You couldn’t understand the intricacies, you’re not blue.
Black can exile attacking creatures because black is the color of putting mirrors in front of things, and then when the mirror gets broken it makes the thing go away and replaces it with an evil reflection. This may cause black seven years of bad luck, but black doesn’t care, it will do anything to win.
Red can exile attacking creatures, but it does it at end of turn, and mostly to creatures that have haste, and maybe trample. Red is the color of creatures only getting to attack once.
Green can exile attacking creatures, because here you are, walking through this stupid forest, and Steve said he knew a shortcut but then a bear ate him, and all the trees look the same, and you didn’t sign up to get eaten by a bear anyway, you’re going home. Green is the color of bears.
Flipping cards onto the playing area from a height of at least one foot such that they flip over completely at least once and trying to make them land on other cards and then destroying or damaging those cards can be red because goblins are stupid and you can justify anything by just making a stupid goblin do it like you could call it goblin skydiving but the goblin doesn’t have a parachute and he’s fat so he break things haha.
Flipping cards onto the playing area from a height of at least one foot such that they flip over completely at least once and trying to make them land on other cards and then destroying or damaging those cards can be black because black is the color of Death and Death gets really bored sometimes and throws cards into the air and tries to make them land on other cards. Also, black will do anything to win.
Flipping cards onto the playing area from a height of at least one foot such that they flip over completely at least once and trying to make them land on other cards and then destroying or damaging those cards can be white because white is the color of removing things from the game and the game takes place on a plane and you have to remove the card from the plane to drop it.
Flipping cards onto the playing area from a height of at least one foot such that they flip over completely at least once and trying to make them land on other cards and then destroying or damaging those cards can be green because green is the color of plants and that’s kind of how plants spread their seeds and if you called it a weed you could get away with the part about destroying or damaging things.
Flipping cards onto the playing area from a height of at least one foot such that they flip over completely at least once and trying to make them land on other cards and then destroying or damaging those cards can be blue because is the color of flying and falling is a lot like flying and blue is also the color of ninjas and you could throw the card like a shuriken.
Card drawing can be blue because blue can think real hard to remember spells or go to the library to check a spellbook out.
Card drawing can be green because getting in touch with nature means green has wisdom and knowledge
Card drawing can be red because red can bully people unless they can draw cards. Someone might get hurt, see.
Card drawing can be black because black can do anything so long as it pays life or sacrifices cretures or something. Black will do anything to win, and it can win at one life just fine thank you very much.
Card drawing can be white because white believes in being fair and will probably pay a bunch of mana and let you gain some life while it is drawing cards. Just to be even.
Winning the game can be blue because you need to think about it to decide who the winner is and blue is good at messing with minds and making people decide that maybe they want to lose this time.
Winning the game can be white because white is the color of fairness and you won last game so I should get to win this one.
Winning the game can be red because red can say that they won and make you so mad that it takes you until you get home to realize that they didn’t actually win yet.
Winning the game can be green because green is the color of having the most creatures, which means that they can vote you in as supreme winner for life.
Black will do anything to win.
Jumping on the Bandwagon
Jumping on the bandwagon can be white, because white values the majority over the minority, and jumping on the bandwagon helps support the majority.
Jumping on the bandwagon can also be blue, because blue can foresee the consequences of being the odd man out, and if those consequences are unfavorable blue will choose to do what everyone else is doing.
Jumping on the bandwagon can also be black, because black wouldn’t want everyone to single it out because it didn’t go with the flow. That would hamper black’s chances of winning, and black will do anything to win.
Jumping on the bandwagon can also be red, because if red sees its friends having fun, red will join them in hopes of also having a great time. Red could also use it as an opportunity to meet new friends.
Finally, jumping on the bandwagon can also be green, because green’s instincts tell it there is safety in numbers.
Large creatures with no abilities can be green, because green is big and doesn’t think too hard about anything. It is also the color of creatures, and the color of growth, so it is only natural that green would have large creatures.
Large creatures with no abilities can also be white, because white is about order and military might and a bunch of soldiers acting together are like one big creature, with no abilities.
Large creatures with no abilities can also be blue, because blue is the color of the ocean and the biggest creatures live in the ocean like whales and squid and when was the last time you saw a whale or squid with any abilities.
Large creatures with no abilities can also be black, because black often gets big creatures as long as they have a draw back, and what bigger drawback is there than having no abilities. Also, maybe something big died, like a whale or a bunch of soldiers acting together, only now they are zombies. That’s black. Black, after all, will do anything to win.
Large creatures with no abilities can also be red, because red is about mountains which are very big and have no abilities whatsoever.
Umezawa’a Jitte
Umezawa’a Jitte can be black because black can gain life, make its creatures bigger, shrink creatures until they are dead, and do all of these while juggling with Bottle Gnomes on a bicycle. Yes, you heard it right; black will do any of these to win even if it means having to hire a cruel professional forkmaster assassin!
Umezawa’a Jitte can be white because white gains life. Actually nothing delights white more than gaining life, especially creatures gaining life when they damage things. Also, white is the color of retribution and holy strength and civilization. Civilized people use forks.
Umezawa’a Jitte can be green because green likes big healthy creatures who would like to get bigger, enormous, huge, gigantic, colossal, gargantuan…as they hit people with forks.
Umezawa’a Jitte can be red because red likes to do whatever it wants and this fork can do whatever red wants! Also, goblins can do all sorts of stupid things with this, maybe gouge someone’s or their eyes or make a Sea Monster shish-kabob. Goblins are red and obviously, yeah.
Umezawa’a Jitte can be blue because blue is the color of mind manipulation and… oh, wait. OK, blue is the color of artifacts and researching them and discovering ways to control them for dominating your battlefield while it enslaves your mind into butchering your own creatures with a fork. Mean artifacts go with mean colors, like blue.
Milling: (forced discards from top of deck)
Milling can be blue because your deck is your mind, and blue was made to toy with your puny little brain functions. Also it wants to annoy you… and a wizard did it.
Milling can be black because black because it represents insanity and the loss of spells you didn’t even know you knew. also black will do anything to win.
Milling can be red because red loves destroying things. your deck doesn’t look destroyed enough and we can’t have that now can we?
Milling can be white because white represents bureaucracy, and nothing spells bureaucracy like wasting away at you time until you lose your mind. also that deck of yours allows you to do things and white needs TOTAL CONTROL.
Milling can be green because… uh… blue loves milling and green has simply had enough of it. If blue can use milling green sees no reason why it shouldn’t be able too. damn blue bastards. Also green represents pure BIGNESS and everything looks BIGGER when juxtaposed along with something smaller, so green has no qualms about having a creature so big and powerful its attacks send you life so far into the negative you lose your deck along with it.
Milling can be artifact because a mill is a artifact, and so is a grindstone. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrind.