Warriors Wait In Long Lines For New Umezawa’s Jitte

Posted on November 21, 2007
Filed Under Articles, Photochops, Flashbacks, Staff |

warriors_wait_in_line.gifOriginally ran Nov. 19, 2006

COLUMBUS, Ohio — If you saw long lines forming outside your local Best Buy, Wal-Mart, Target or other store this week, you’re not alone.

As in the Tickle Me Elmo fad or Power Ranger fad of seasons past, in this season’s shopping craze, warriors all over were waiting to be the first to pick up the new Umezawa’s Jitte — undeterred this season by the new weapon’s hefty $600 price tag.

“I’ve been waiting since Tuesday! Wooooo!” said local shopper and pikeman Regdar the Brave. “It’s cold, and I’m hungry, and I had to kill the first seven guys who were already here, but I don’t care, I’m first in line, woooooo!” he added.

“I can’t wait, dude!” said Dorag, a local dwarf. “This thing has got like the most awesome abilities, I’m going to like, call in sick from my forge job all next week to play with it,” he said.

In some areas, the shopping turned dangerous. A band of goblins demanded money from people and opened fire Wednesday night, injuring 58, while customers stood in line outside the Marketplace Mall on State Road 458. Police pursued the goblins, leading to three arrests and one instance of a goblin being crucified on a tall framework outside the 24-hour McDonald’s near the mall on Bancroft Road.

At the Wal-Mart on Highway 23, some 50 warriors waiting in line were told that the store only had 10 available. The resulting stampede killed 18, with one man being run through with a flagpole.

Some shoppers at the store for other items shook their heads at the craze.

“They still have the Loxodon Warhammer. It’s good. I mean, sure, maybe it’s not as good, but it’s still perfectly good. People should be happy enough with that without having to wait in line for three days like freaks,” one shopper said.

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