Congress Bans Umezawa’s Jitte In Standard

Posted on November 8, 2007
Filed Under Articles, GyantSpyder |

WASHINGTON — After years of lobbying, protests and partisan bickering, the House of Representatives voted along party lines to ban Umezawa’s Jitte in all Standard and Kamigawa block tournaments Thursday.

A similar bill is expected to pass in today’s Senate session.

Democrats, who have been widely criticized for failing to make good on the promises of the 2006 election, framed the ban as proof they have finally taken charge in Washington.

“Our long national nightmare is finally over,” said Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY).

“We have heard the outcry, and make no mistake, this Congress is committed to tackling the issues that matter to the American people,” Schumer said.

Senator and Presidential hopeful Barack Obama saw the victory as more personal.

“Bethany Thom is a single mother I met in Tennessee,” Obama said. “She has five kids. Works two jobs — neither of which gives her health insurance. Her adjustable rate mortgage payment just tripled.

“Where is she going to get maindeck artifact removal?” Obama asked.

“This bill does nothing for the real sufferers,” retorted presidential hopeful Representative Dennis Kucinich (D-OH).

“I propose creating a new, non-profit DCI to visit every kitchen table in America and make sure the letter and spirit of this law are followed,” Kucinich said.

Kucinich then added, “Ext no counter/discard/ld/mass effects.”

This was the first major news on the issue since two years ago, when a Republican-backed bill, which would have allocated $150 million to distribute Manriki-Guisaris in public schools, failed by a wide margin.

Umezawa’s Jitte rotated out of the Standard format in 2006.

“Make no mistake, I will veto any bill that weakens America’s fighting men,” declared President Bush from a makeshift podium at his Crawford ranch.

“The only people who want Jitte banned are America’s enemies, and that’s terrorists and scrubs,” Bush said.

The president then tripled in size, gained eight life and killed everyone in the room.

Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-NY) raised her fists three-quarters of the way above her head for photographers as she left Capitol Hill today on her way to the annual conference of the New Hampshire Pancake Association.

“Tell Tsuyoshi Fujita,” Clinton declared slowly once a microphone was rolled in front of her, “that once again, American ingenuity and American communities are the best combo in Standard.”

Dragonstorm was unavailable for comment.

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