The Magic Lampoon Internship Contest

Posted on October 3, 2007
Filed Under Articles, Special Reports, Flashbacks, Staff |

Originally ran Oct. 14, 2006

The Magic Lampoon will be holding a contest in which the winner will receive an internship right here at the offices of The Magic Lampoon!

This internship will be for six months or whenever the contest winner resigns, whichever comes first. The winner could be you!

This is no ordinary contest, though. Forget luck. The winner will not be determined by a random draw.

When the contest begins, applicants will submit a series of essays. These essays will be graded by our crack Magic Lampoon staff.

The contest hasn’t started yet! Pencils down.

The following are the essay questions that you’ll have to write about! Each answer must be between 250 and 300 words. If any question is over or under the required length, your entire test can be discarded.

Here are what the questions will be!

1. Introduce yourself. Why are you a good choice as an intern at The Magic Lampoon? Describe your preferences and any limits. Be sure to indicate if you carry any sexually transmitted diseases.

2. Explain three ways in which “mana screw” needs to be made fun of in Magic: The Gathering. Be sure to throw in any personal barbs about Wizards of the Coast staffers that you might think of.

3. From a design standpoint, what’s the gayest card in Magic: The Gathering? Remember: This question is from a design standpoint. Gay art should be made fun of at a different time.

4. Explain why Necropotence is the best and most awesomely designed card ever. Be sure to indicate why it must never, ever be banned no matter what.

5. Describe what happens when I post. “I” could be anyone. It could be you, a friend or a neighbor. It could be a total stranger.

6. In a humorous way, juxtapose Magic: The Gathering Pro Player Cards with one of the following: The Stock Market Crash of 1929; the failed 1979 NBC television series “Supertrain”; or Adolf Hitler.

7. There are three player “psychographics”: Timmy, Johnny and Spike. Explain what a “psychographic” is, and then describe what would happen if Timmy, Johnny and Spike fought with real knives. Be sure to include the impact that the fight would have on witnesses.

8. You find a time machine and travel back into the early days of Magic: The Gathering. What would you say to those first players to help them get laid? Special: You are not allowed to use future knowledge to help them win tournaments. Bonus points for including Richard Garfield in any scenario.

9. Design six Magic cards. Don’t make them too powerful. Also, don’t make them too weak. Make them good in Limited, but also good in Constructed. But, don’t make them so good in Constructed that everyone plays them. Make them just good enough so that only the most ingenious Magic players realize that they’re good. Remember: All contest entries become the property of The Magic Lampoon.

10. If you could be any specific Magic pro, why would fantasizing about that make you a loser?

11. After you conclude this internship, you will have moved to a strange city at your own expense. What will you do after that? Include whether you will sleep on the street or develop a drug addiction. If you are skilled at finding a “squat,” explain.

12. Describe why you don’t have a job.

Because of the amount of writing involved, we recommend that you use a word processor and save often. We also recommend that you not start yet, because we’re not currently accepting responses.