Cows Ask Restaurantgoers To ‘Eat Mor Chiken,’ ‘Thro Less Bumerangs’

Posted on February 8, 2010
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COLLEGE PARK, Ga. — Local cows here have embarked on a campaign, placing signs, waving banners and distributing fliers asking restaurantgoers to “Eat mor chiken” and “Thro less bumerangs.”

The signs and banners, say analysts, are designed to protect the cows both from being made into hamburger and being decapitated by razor-sharp, flying boomerangs.

“These gentle creatures, with their heavy bodies and passive dispositions, are unable to run or escape from local ranchers to avoid being turned into hamburger,” said bovine spokeswoman Tina Gaffney.

“And since they have hooves instead of hands, they are unable to catch the razor-sharp boomerangs that are constantly being thrown at them,” she said.

Gaffney offered an alternative.

“What we’re asking is that if you’re hungry, or if you have some psychotic need to throw razor-sharp boomerangs, would you perhaps eat or throw boomerangs at something else,” Gaffney said.

“Such as a chicken,” she said.

Although hamburgers are widely considered across the United States to be delicious, the attraction in throwing razor-sharp boomerangs is yet unclear.

“It’s like, pretty much one of the worst weapons I’ve ever seen,” Gaffney said.

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Wizards Realizes That Any Color Can Be Justified As Doing Anything

Posted on February 7, 2010
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RENTON, Wash. — Wizards of the Coast announced Friday that it has realized that any color of Magic can be justified as being able to do anything.

“Direct damage, for example, can be red because of fire or lightning,” said Matt Cavotta, writing for Wizards of the Coast. “Direct damage can also be black, representing vampiric consumption,” he said.

“However, direct damage could be white, which represents arrows or catapult shots,” Cavotta said. “It could also be blue, representing psionic attack,” he told reporters Friday.

“Finally, direct damage can also be green, representing wind and bees. Bees, raining down from the sky and stinging everyone,” he said.

“That’s right. It’s raining bees,” he said.

Wizards of the Coast offered a breakdown of how, in the future, every color will be able to do anything.

Counterspells

Counterspells can be blue, because blue has the ability to control magic.

Counterspells can also be white, because white tries to assert rules and make other people conform.

Counterspells can also be green, because green believes that nothing should disturb the natural order.

Counterspells could be black, because black is the keeper of ancient knowledge. Also, black will do anything to win.

Finally, counterspells could be red, because you don’t tell red what to do. Red doesn’t play by your stupid rules, man. Red does whatever the fuck it wants. Fuck you.

Land Destruction

Land destruction can be red, because red represents the earth and primal forces such as earthquakes.

Land destruction can be green, because green represents the earth and primal forces such as gophers digging up everything in sight.

Land destruction can be black, because black loves to destroy. Also, black will do anything to win.

Land destruction can be white, because white is the color of taxing the living crap out of you.

Finally, land destruction can be blue, because lands make mana, and blue is the color of doing something to your mana until everything sucks and you don’t have any mana and blue has all the mana.

Discard

Discard can be black, because black attacks the mind and rends your very soul. Black will do anything to win.

Discard can be blue, because blue attacks your mind and blue takes the cards in your mind and makes you discard them.

Discard can be white, because white makes rules for everyone, and you not having cards is a new rule.

Discard can be red, because red can do anything. We’ll just give it some kind of drawback.

Finally, discard can be green, because green wants everyone to play with creatures on the table, not stupid cards in your hand where they don’t belong. Having cards in your hand sounds like something blue would do. And green hates blue.

Searching Out Lands

Land search can be green, because green represents growth and nature, and lands are the natural areas of the game.

Land search can be white, because white represents order, the march of civilization, the work of farmers and the creation of communities.

Land search can be red, because red represents rock and stone and the power of the earth.

Land search can be black, because black seeks out ancient secrets and uses them to win. Black will do anything to win. Black also represents getting out like a dozen Swamps and winning with some huge spell that has an X in its mana cost, and in order to do that, you’re going to need a lot of land. Also, black can already search for like any card, so what the hell. Searching for just lands is less powerful. “Duh.”

Finally, land search can be blue, because blue represents tidal waves, and so searching out Islands is like the flow of a huge tidal wave. Also, blue is the color of deck manipulation. Blue is also the color of drawing cards. Blue steals lands, and searching out a land is like stealing one from your mind. Blue is also the color of having more lands than you. However many lands you have, blue should have more, because you should be able to win with a lot less land than blue. If you can’t, there’s something wrong with you. A good player could just play around it.

- Feb. 9, 2007

Photochop – Advice Mongrel

Posted on February 5, 2010
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Photochop – Disappoint

Posted on February 4, 2010
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Card Of The Week – Undertaker

Posted on February 3, 2010
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This week’s card is Undertaker. Undertaker is a spellshaper for Tombstone Piledriver.

Oh, Kids, Don’t Look

Posted on February 2, 2010
Filed Under Articles, Staff | 3 Comments

Welcome to Dominaria Jungle Tours!

Please keep your hands and heads inside the vehicle, folks! We wouldn’t want anyone losing anything out here. And be advised, if you use flash photography, you might scare the wonderful jungle animals away! So folks, try not to use flash photography.

Alright, folks, just up ahead, we should be entering the monkey and ape area! Here there are plenty of wonderful animals, and if we’re lucky, some of them just might do some tricks for us. Oh, look, over to the right here comes a wonderful jungle denizen, an orangutan! This is a beautiful specimen. He’s jumping from tree to tree, and he …

Oh, kids, don’t look.

Er, I mean, sometimes the monkeys like to climb over each other! Ha, yeah, that monkey is trying to climb over that other monkey.

Um, but over there, there goes our orangutan friend! Over there! Look at him go, kids.

No, those monkeys are fine, they’re … playing, sweetie. They’re playing a game.

OK! We’re going to move on now!

Up next, you’ll see that we’re about to enter cyclops country! Don’t worry, folks, these cyclopes, as they’re called, are completely friendly.

As we come around the bend, if you look out to your left, you’ll see several of the cyclopes. They often dance for the tour! If we’re lucky, folks, maybe we’ll see the chieftain with his beautiful headdress.

Uh –

Oh, kids, don’t look.

Er, no, I don’t know why the cyclopes have decided not to wear their clothes today!

I mean, uh, it’s bath time! It must be bath time for the cyclopes. That’s what they’re doing, kids, they’re getting ready for their bath.

OK? Let’s just, uh, let’s just look over here to the right at these wonderful trees! Aren’t those trees gorgeous, folks?

We’re leaving cyclops country now.

Up next, we should be passing through the faerie village. The happy and mischievous faeries often like to tease the tour as it goes by! But don’t worry, folks. They don’t mean any harm.

We should be seeing some faeries soon. They love to laugh and play and often fly in wonderful circles! Perhaps we’ll get to see —

Oh, good lord.

Uh, it looks like the faeries have decided to play some kind of adult game, folks.

Maybe you want to — that’s right, maybe you just want to cover up your little one’s eyes there. That’s right, kids! Don’t look, because — there’s going to be a surprise! That’s it. Just keep your eyes closed!

Sorry about that, folks, I — whoa.

OK.

Now I’m not going to look, ha ha.

Oh, boy. Yeah, we’ll just — we’ll be out of here in just a second.

That’s it. OK, folks. We’ve left the faerie village behind! Everything’s OK now.

Up next, we should be passing by the famous Sivitri Scarzam’s cave.