Teen Not Powerful Enough Duelist To Have Mastered His Card, Says Judge

Posted on September 3, 2010
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COLUMBUS, Ohio — Judges forced a local teenager to remove a Psionic Blast from his sealed deck during prerelease events here Sunday.

The teenager, Marvin Lursen of Columbus, was not a powerful enough duelist to have mastered the card, judges said.

“This eager but inexperienced player, with his spiky hair and combative attitude, is going to have to believe in himself a lot more before he will have mastered the Psionic Blast,” said Magic: The Gathering judge Bill Hamrick of Columbus.

Witnesses told The Magic Lampoon on Tuesday that the support of friends wasn’t sufficient to help Lursen master the card.

“We told him that we were all there with him,” said Lursen’s friend Sylvester Atkins. “‘We’re all here with you!’ I told him, right as his exciting duel began,” Atkins said.

“Unfortunately, he was too haunted by his dark past to believe in himself enough to realize that an ancient, mystical prophecy says he’ll be the greatest duelist ever,” Atkins said.

- Sept. 26, 2006

Card Of The Week – Ethersworn Adjudicator

Posted on September 2, 2010
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This week’s card is Ethersworn Adjudicator. What happens when you give Iron Man’s Unibeam to Air Elemental?

Facebook Page

Posted on September 2, 2010
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The Magic Lampoon now has a Facebook page. It’s located here. If you’re on Facebook, by “liking” the Magic Lampoon’s Facebook page, you’ll see on Facebook when we have a new post.

This Organization Does Not Tolerate Failure

Posted on August 31, 2010
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By a Goblin King

Number Two. Step forward.

This organization does not tolerate failure.

You were ordered to stop the elvish agent from escaping.

You failed.

You will receive one final chance to compensate for your blundering.

Go to the table.

Observe the spellbomb on the table.

It is a device containing pyrite, one of the world’s deadlier substances.

Pick it up.

You will take this spellbomb and deliver it to the elvish agent, disposing of him.

Failure will not be tolerated.

Do not return until you have succeeded.

———-

Number Two and Number Three. Step forward.

It seems, Number Three, that Number Two once again failed to dispose of the meddlesome elvish agent.

It appears that he allowed a valuable spellbomb to be detonated prematurely, by poking it with a stick.

Please demonstrate to him the price of failure.

Hold him down.

Place the earwig into his ear.

Place it in.

Observe his screams.

Incompetence will not be tolerated.

Number Four. Please remove the former Number Two and feed his body to the clickslither.

Number Three. You are now Number Two.

As Number Two, you are charged with the elimination of the elvish agent.

You will take this goblin bomb, and this coin.

You will bring the bomb to the elvish agent, and flip the coin until the elvish agent is terminated.

Do not fail.

There is no room in this organization for failure.

A Goblin King is a maniacal supervillain and a correspondent for The Magic Lampoon.

Photochop – Gaping Maw

Posted on August 29, 2010
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Photochop – Thran Frowndry

Posted on August 29, 2010
Filed Under Photochops, Staff | 2 Comments

Manson: Vote For Me For Invitational

Posted on August 27, 2010
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CORCORAN STATE PRISON, Calif. — Promising plenty of “mischievous, irreverent antics” were he to win, incarcerated serial murderer Charles Manson made an appeal to the Magic community and began asking Wednesday if people would please vote for him to participate in the Magic Invitational tournament this year.

“I’m the bad boy of Magic!” Manson said.

Manson, now 67, is known for his role as a cultlike leader of “The Family” in the grisly and notorious slayings of Sharon Tate, Jay Sebring and others in 1969. He is currently incarcerated for life and has been repeatedly denied parole, and said he will play Tinker after the November rotation.

“Whether I’m trash-talking before a match, ribbing an opponent who has made a mistake, or threatening to plunge a bayonet into the neck of a judge and scrawl Beatles lyrics on the walls with his blood, I am exactly the sort of brash, arrogant, antiauthority maverick that Magic needs right now,” Manson said in a widely distributed e-mail.

“I’m in your face and don’t care what you think. That’s why I’m asking for your vote,” Manson said.

Supporters and fans said that flamboyant figures like Manson are good for the game and provide exciting match details for Internet journalists.

“Charlie is cool. Maybe not everyone likes him, but that’s exactly what makes him so much fun to watch,” said Manson fan and former cult member Leslie Van Houten, who is serving a life sentence in the California Institution for Women, Frontera, and whom prosecutors said participated in the legendary slayings by stabbing Rosemary LaBianca 14 to 16 times.

“You just never know what Charlie will do next, and that’s the sort of thing that draws spectators to pro tours and events like the Invitational,” Van Houten said. “Maybe he’ll say something funny to an opponent, or kill someone.”

“I mean, Charlie don’t surf. You know?” she asked.

Manson said that most professional Magic players are boring.

“People don’t want to see the good guy,” Manson said. “They want to see the bad boy. And that’s me! You just never know what I’m going to say, or even what I’m going to wear. I will challenge your conventions, shake your foundations and all the while win your heart with my rebellious brand of whimsical insouciance.”

The voting for the Invitational ended Thursday, shortly after Manson began making his plea. It’s unclear whether Manson received any votes.

“You know, I used to talk a lot about revolution back in the 60s and 70s. But if you say you want a revolution, wait until you see my revolutionary Ponza sideboard. It’s amazing!” Manson had said in the e-mail.

“Also, I promise to write a really cool tournament report, with poetry, song lyrics and everything,” he said. “Please, won’t you vote for me?”

- Sept. 4, 2002

Card Of The Week – Fleshwrither

Posted on August 27, 2010
Filed Under Card of the Week | 3 Comments

This week’s card is Fleshwrither. Fleshwrither can become a Body Snatcher. Then that Body Snatcher can become that Fleshwrither. Then that Fleshwrither can become another Body Snatcher.

Happy Labor Day With Delicious Gummi Moose Candies

Posted on August 25, 2010
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Here we see the Gummi Moose frolicking in its natural wild habitat. This one is cherry red.

MEDFORD, Ore. — Once again, Harry & David are offering delicious Gummi Moose candies, available in fine stores, mail order or via the Internet.

The squishy and tasty Gummi Moose come in a variety of colors, and are all cast in the beloved moose shape.

The Gummi Moose is a tasty snack that will invigorate any warrior, wizard or planeswalker.

“Each Gummi Moose is captured live in Lorwyn, shrunk to manageable size and sealed in a special airtight plastic bag to ensure freshness,” said Harry & David spokeswoman Tina Gaffney.

“Also, this kills them,” she said.

“But it’s OK if you call them ‘Gummi Mooses’!” she added.

Gummi Moose candies are just $6.95.