Dreams Of A Black Knight
Posted on March 8, 2010
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By The Black Knight
The day will come.
A day of honor; and glory; and destiny.
The day I meet my foe on the field of battle.
He has eluded me. Where I have searched for him, he has not been found. Where I have pursued him, he has vanished. Where I have sought to block him, he has evaded.
But there will be a day. This I promise.
I will meet my rival — the White Knight — and only one of us will remain standing.
It will be glorious.
Why does he elude me so? Is he a coward? I think not. It is said that he is my equal, in every respect. It only weakens ourselves to dismiss our foes as cowardly. As I am brave, surely he must be brave. As I am strong, surely he must be strong. As I have skill in battle, surely he must have skill in battle.
And yet, as I seek to meet him on the battlefield, I am thwarted at every turn.
It is as if some mysterious force has delayed our meeting.
While destiny awaits, I have a secret to tell you.
Though he may be as brave as I, and as skilled, there is one thing he cannot know. He cannot know — I am protected.
The darkest magicks, laid upon my armor, my weapons and indeed my very soul, protect me from one such as him. He will find honor when he faces me. But he will not find victory. Victory will be mine alone.
He cannot possibly suspect the power of the darkness that enchants my very being.
Can you imagine such a fate? A foe, so strong, so skilled, and yet completely unsuspecting of the powerful enchantments that protect his enemy!
What tragic irony.
Many have said that I should fight his comrade, the Silver Knight. But he is not my eternal foe. There is no destiny in such a battle.
But against the White Knight, I shall meet destiny. I shall glimpse eternity! Our battle is fated! It is written in the stars. It must happen.
I have but to wait now. Soon — it must be soon — these two deadly enemies will meet, at last. Where he goes, I will move to block him. Where I go, so shall he. And at last, our swords shall clash.
I have but to wait.
I have but to wait …
The Black Knight, a tragic figure who forever waits to fight his ultimate battle of destiny, is a Magic Lampoon correspondent.
China Adds Angels, Ghosts, Weapons, Zombies, Animals, Foreigners And Meteors To List Of Images Not Allowed On Magic: The Gathering Cards
Posted on March 8, 2010
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Before 
After
BEIJING — The government here announced Wednesday that along with prohibited depictions of skeletons and human bones, angels, ghosts, weapons, zombies, animals, foreigners and meteors would no longer be allowed on Magic: The Gathering cards sold within China.
The list of prohibited images would also include comets, according to a government offical.
“We have not had the execution of an astronomer for failing to predict a comet for several decades,” said Xiuxiu Mao, a government spokeswoman. “We would like to continue this trend.
“Comets are very unlucky,” she said.
Wizards of the Coast will still be able to print corresponding Magic cards in Chinese, Mao said. The cards would simply be modified to meet with government standards, as is currently done with cards depicting skeletons.
“For example, the Western Angel of Despair would become Shining Patriot Worker Girl,” Mao said.
“As another example, Starstorm, if it were reprinted, would become End to Western Imperialist Hegemonism,” she said. “We thank you for cooperating.”
- March 1, 2006
Photochop – Konda’s Hot Tomato
Posted on March 7, 2010
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Photochop – Multiplayer Blast
Posted on March 7, 2010
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Card Of The Week – Rootwater Alligator
Posted on March 2, 2010
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This week’s card is Rootwater Alligator. Rootwater Alligator is now a Crocodile. That kinda sucks, because building a deck based on Gators would be 10 times cooler than building a deck based on Crocodiles.
Frat Boys Put Crap On Ayesha’s Face While She’s Asleep
Posted on March 1, 2010
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PHILADELPHIA — Those frat boys who are always yelling “Whoo” and stuff announced in a news conference that they put a bunch of crap on Ayesha’s face when she fell asleep at a party at their frat late Monday night.
The leader of the frat boys, a kid who always wears a baseball cap named Curt or Brian or something like that, told reporters that the crap they put on Ayesha’s face was like “a bunch of lines and squiggles and stuff.”
“HA HA HA YEAH SHE WAS TOTALLY WASTED AND PASSED OUT, MAN, SO I GOT LIKE A LAUNDRY MARKER, AND LIKE DREW A BUNCH OF STUFF ON HER FACE,” Curt or Brian told reporters Monday.
“HA HA HA,” Curt or Brian added with an obnoxious, horselike laugh.
Reporters asked Curt or Brian or whatever his name is if the move by the fraternity wouldn’t in fact dissuade other young ladies from attending functions at the fraternity house.
“NAW, MAN, THAT AYESHA CHICK IS LIKE A GRENADE ANYWAY,” Curt or Brian told reporters. “THOSE OTHER CHICKS AREN’T GONNA LISTEN TO HER, MAN,” he said.
Photochop – Actual Zombie
Posted on February 28, 2010
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Photochop – Attack Of The Heart
Posted on February 28, 2010
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A Brief Future History Of Magic
Posted on February 26, 2010
Filed Under Articles, Flashbacks, Staff | 7 Comments
Destroy target creature.
Regenerate target creature.
Destroy target creature. It can’t be regenerated.
Target creature is indestructible. (”Destroy” effects and lethal damage don’t destroy it.)
Target creature can’t be indestructible.
Target creature can’t be prevented from being indestructible.
Spells and abilities can’t stop target creature from being prevented from being indestructible.
Players can’t play spells or abilities that would prevent the stopping of the prevention of the indestructibility of target creature.
Cards that would halt the prevention of the stopping of the prevention of the indestructibility of target creature have no text.
A player who plays a spell or ability that would remove the text of cards that would prevent the prevention of the cessation of stopping the indestructibility of target creature loses the game.
Whenever a player plays a spell or ability that would cause a player to lose the game for playing a spell or ability that would remove the text of cards that would prevent the prevention of the cessation of stopping the indestructibility of target creature, players play a MAGIC subgame using their libraries as their decks. Each player who loses the subgame loses the main game.
MAGIC subgames can’t be played.
MAGIC subgames can’t be prevented.
Players are insubgamable. (”Subgame” effects don’t make them play subgames.)
Card text cannot make players insubgamable.
Card text does not exist.
Each card text that would exist exists and cannot be prevented from existing. That card text cannot be prevented from reading what it would read or doing what it would do. All card text always destroys all creatures, and no card text can stop card text that would destroy all creatures from destroying them. Card text that would alter the existence of card text that would destroy all creatures cannot alter the existence of any card text, which is immutable and cannot be changed by any card text or any rule.
Ignore all rules.
- Jan. 25, 2007
Card Of The Week – Season Of The Witch
Posted on February 25, 2010
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This week’s card is Season of the Witch. Season of the Witch is one of several Donovan-related Magic cards, along with “Colors” and “There is a Mountain.”
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